time for a change

Change can be scary but it is something I think everyone can say they have experienced in their lifetimes…some of us it may feel like it’s been more than a million times! I mean change is inevitable but it’s not easy.

Some people may see change as a bad thing but that isn’t always the case. Sometimes change can be just the thing we need.

I have learned in my past experiences that change can be very good…like changing your eating habits, changing how you spend your downtime, changing the group of people you hang out with or even just changing your hair. 😉

Now although I can sit here and say I am glad I’ve changed in all those areas and those were some of the best changes I could have made… some of that change was NOT easy.

Change is hard. It can be uncomfortable and very lonely.

There was a point in time that because my heart and my motives changed, certain friends and I could not really relate anymore.  We wanted different things and it was HARD.

Some may say a friend break-up is worse than an actual boyfriend/girlfriend break-up and that can be true sometimes. Having  close friends become casual acquaintances because you guys just aren’t the same people anymore really hurts. Sometimes it’s just growing up and growing apart. But if the friendship or relationship oversteps boundaries over and over, it’s time for a change.  In this case, I always say you have to do what’s best for YOU and for your future. If friends are not encouraging you to become a better person, chances are they are not someone for you to spend a lot of time with.

And let me add this, if your friends constantly make you feel unimportant, unworthy, self-conscious or guilty than those are not friends! Sure, it’s okay to joke around with each other but if the friendship is pretty much you being the butt of every joke or you are the one making the only effort, it’s time to reevaluate. Your friends should make an effort to invest in you and listen to you (and vice versa!!). You should be each other’s biggest fans, but also be honest with each other. If that’s not happening, talk to them. Communicate. Like change, it’s not always easy to be vulnerable but in the end you know you tried even if it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped it would.

As this year has gone on, I’ve realized friendship really is quality over quantity. Although my circle is small, I love my friends so much and want the world for them and I know they feel the same for me. They also are the ones to hold me accountable and say “Nah Court , I don’t think that’s a good idea.” It can be annoying to hear that, but at the end of the day I know that’s what I need to grow and that they truly care about me.

Change can be such an incredible turning point in your life so don’t be closed off to trying new things or getting to know new people. They could be nothing like what you expect and could turn into your best friend once you get to know each other. Keep your eyes open for new opportunities everyday and always keep your future in mind. Don’t settle for ordinary comfortable stuff, take a risk and change the things you may be complaining about!

Also if your friends treat you like crap and you just want someone to talk to, I would love to listen and it would stay between us!  Okay that’s all I’ve got tonight. Merry Christmas everyone and be sure to remember the real reason for the season. xoxo

moving on

At some point, most of us have struggled with being disappointed with things and let down by people and then not knowing what to do about it. Do we stay to work through it or should we move on? With that we need to know there’s a time to question what happened, process it, mourn a loss, and there is also a time to move on.

1. A time to question.

Obviously when we are disappointed and things didn’t turn out how we thought we always have questions,

Why did you do this to me?

Where do we go from here?

What am I supposed to do to fix this?

These are all legitimate questions when losing something or someone. There are millions of other questions that are specific to situations, and it’s okay to ask and to wonder, but don’t let that wondering and “what ifs” take up too much of your time and energy.

2. Process.

Along with the questions, some people don’t get closure and never will. If you are one of those people, I pray God heals your soul in order to forgive an apology that was never given. Processing is the time when you take an honest look at what happened, pray and decide whether you try one more time, wait or move on.

For example, you have a relationship or friendship that just is not going well so you confront the issue and the other person doesn’t care or isn’t willing to change; obviously you will have questions and mourn that relationship, but in order to grow and have a positive outcome from this situation, you have to move on. That doesn’t mean arguments between two equally committed people can’t be worked out but do NOT let yourself stay stuck in one-sided relationships! And once you move on don’t reopen that door. God allows that door to close for a reason, so don’t keep rehashing things and repeating cycles. People and circumstances can eventually change, but someone once said “don’t keep watering a dead garden.”

3. The mourning.

This is the time you give yourself to mourn the relationship, person, thing, etc. It’s okay to be upset, we as humans were blessed with emotions and it’s okay to be sad at times, but you can’t let that feeling overtake you. Nobody or no loss is so important that you question your own value. Now I can’t tell you an exact amount of time it takes to mourn, because it is different for every situation, but I can tell you a rule I have tried to follow, if it won’t matter to you in five years, don’t spend more than five minutes upset about it. Sometimes things that seemed like a big deal at the time, really weren’t when I thought about it like that. Now I get it takes a lot more than five minutes to mourn a relationship or person, but try not to focus on what you don’t have and don’t let the past consume your thoughts. One thing that also helped me was praying and knowing that I would not always stay sad because God has good plans for my life.

4. The moving on.

Well this is the hardest part, but the most rewarding part. How cool is it to see someone you used to trip over and feel peaceful instead of sadness? It is such a rewarding feeling to see how much progress you’ve made! This is the time to really focus on the important things in life, maybe your priorities need to be fixed and you need to really dig deep down to see what you did right and what you did wrong then learn from it.

Sometimes in the past I have struggled with this moving on part but the one thing that FINALLY broke through to me was someone once said to me,

“I want to look in that mirror at the end of the year and say to myself, I have no regrets.”

We have all been hurt and been through situations that we wish ended differently, but dwelling on these issues for too long can lead to a lot more heartache in the end and we can miss out on the great stuff God has for us now because we are too distracted. Although we aren’t all perfect, I think it is important to keep our future selves in mind when making decisions in the present. If that means letting go and moving on, then I encourage you to do it even when it’s hard.

That’s all I have for now. Hope everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving and MERRY CHRISTMAS SEASON!!! xoxo

 

the little things

I think we can all admit we’ve struggled sometimes with seeing the good things right in front of us. Like how amazing your mother really is or how much your sister really does show her love for you or how God has placed every star in the sky for our pure pleasure. 

It’s truly amazing to think of all the simple things in life that constantly go unnoticed or unsaid. It is also very sad. If we would pay close attention to be thankful for what we have instead of complaining about what we don’t, we would have a lot more peace. 

So with this post I am challenging you to notice the little things…

I challenge you to look your mom in the eyes and tell her you love her before you frantically storm out of the house because you’re running late.

Or tell your brother you’re proud of him for his accomplishments and that you’re glad he’s your brother. 

Or pray and thank God for another day of life and His unconditional love.

One of the biggest challenges I have had to overcome was a car accident that nearly killed me in July 2015. Other than learning the obvious lesson that a seat belt can in fact save your life, I learned something very valuable as a result of what happened that day. 

In life you will look back at the little things and realize they were the big things. 

I can assure you, people won’t remember that you didn’t have a homecoming date or that party you were or were not invited to or the time you accidentally wore black and navy, but instead they will remember how you took time and picked up their books when they dropped them all on the ground, or encouraged them when they seemed upset or how you helped with Special Olympics and put a smile on every face you interacted with. 

People don’t remember what you do, they remember how you made them feel. 

And with small gestures like holding the door open for someone, being a good listener or even just saying please and thank you, we can brighten someone’s day in a small way. 

So just remember to appreciate the little things as you go throughout your days. What can you do to make at least one person’s day a little better this week? That’s all for now…xoxo. 

unrealistic expectations

I think having unrealistic expectations is something all girls and even boys seem to struggle with.

I love you; I just want you, nobody else; I’ll change; I’m sorry;  I’m just so busy, etc…

Those are some of the most common lies told in this day and age. Words said so easily and impulsively most of the time. We have all said things like these and had them said to us for different reasons but they weren’t true. They never should have been said.

It’s sad. Those lies in an attempt to manipulate or spare someone from the truth really build up expectations.

So how do we solve the problem of unrealistic expectations? I can tell you one thing, I have learned the hard way and my best advice is to look at actions not just words when you expect certain things to happen.

I haven’t always done this great, but I try to be one to say how I feel, even when I have to be vulnerable (which I don’t like at all, I mean who does?) and I’ll try to back up my actions. It’s cost me saying how I really feel but I can honestly say when I tell someone something, I mean it…good or bad. I don’t know many other people who do that and I challenge you to not say stuff you don’t mean even if it’s hard to say. It really just sets up unrealistic expectations and makes people feel stupid when they realize the truth.

I’m trying to choose my words better. I used to casually say “I love you!” or “I love that!” so much until I started to realize I was throwing around such an important word. By doing this it gave me an unrealistic expectation of what love is. I have learned love is not a feeling when everything is going well. It is a choice to sacrifice. So if someone says they love you and they will do this for you or that for you, pay attention to see if their actions are backing that up.

Another thing to watch out for is someone’s track record. I’m definitely not one to judge someone on their past because I know I have really tried to change and learn from my past mistakes, but if there is someone who demonstrates the same disappointing behavior over and over and over again while not admitting it’s wrong, then be cautious. Maybe it’s a flirty guy who has been known to become close friends with girls and lead them on or maybe it’s a girl who has gossiped to you about everyone you know, so be cautious when entering a friendship or relationship with them. Don’t jump right in and share your heart or have unrealistic expectations of how loyal they are. Take your time. Give them a chance to earn your trust and vice versa.

Another thing to consider is when most people say “If you don’t have any expectations you never get disappointed.”

To be honest, that’s kinda dumb. First off, can anyone not have expectations for others? I mean don’t we somewhat expect common courtesy and some form of communication? If anything, having no expectations will get you even more hurt than having some realistic ones. High expectations are not bad things, you should have high ones, but you just need to be careful with who you have them with and the extent of them. Think about it before you dive right in.

So let’s say you have some realistic expectations and you are minding your own business. Suddenly you find yourself daydreaming of that cute boy and how adorable you guys would be drinking your lattes and going apple picking. That’s fun to think about but there comes a time when you have to draw the line with that stuff. When your dreaming takes over your reality and creates expectations is when it becomes an issue. We can drive ourselves crazy dreaming about something that we just can’t have.

And I  know this may be a hard topic to explain but here’s another example that maybe some girls can relate too…

You get the snap. It’s late. He’s complimenting you. Then he drops the bomb….

“No, me and my girlfriend aren’t doing well and we’re gonna break up soon” or “I’m not really that serious with her” or the good ole, “You are the one I really love, it’s just that I don’t want to break her heart.”

Friends, if you hear either one of those things or anything like it TURN THE OTHER WAY AND RUN. If he says things to you that you know aren’t right while he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t care about her or you. He is thinking about himself and that’s it. And yes, girls do this stuff to guys, too and it’s not okay.

But hear me on this, if he really wants you, that guy will pursue and value you. This may sound funny but my mom and I have talked about men were naturally made to be hunters. That’s why we hear that once the challenge is over, a bunch of them move on to their next hunt! But if a guy wants something bad enough, he will be determined to do what it takes to get it. And in this case, if he’s dating someone else and messing with your emotions, he doesn’t care about you. He would pursue you and only you if that’s what he wants. Trust me, that’s a tough reality when you allow yourself to have expectations to be with him one day. So please if he gives you promises and empty words that are not backed up with actions, give it up. He doesn’t need more “time” trust me. It’s gonna hurt for a bit but I promise it will save you a lot of hurt in the long run. And next time you will know better and pay attention to the warning signs.

Even though I am honestly okay now, I learned this unrealistic expectation lesson the hard way wanting to believe things I knew deep down just were not true. I had high expectations that I shouldn’t have but I wanted it so badly at the time I justified everything that didn’t match up. I really wish I would have listened to my own advice then, but I’m hoping by sharing this some people won’t have to go through some of the stuff I have. I hope it helps. That’s all I got for tonight. Love y’all! xoxo

 

who’s controlling your emotions?

You have most likely heard advice that it’s not a good idea to let people control our emotions.

“But I can’t help how I feel. He/she just makes me so mad/upset/frustrated.”

But here’s the thing. We CAN control how we feel by not allowing someone to be the main reason we are happy or sad. Sure, situations happen that can make us feel a certain way, but if we allow what other people say about us or how they treat us influence us too much, it just isn’t very healthy for us and those relationships will suffer. Whether friends or dating, we have to be careful not to rely too much on other people to make us feel valuable.

Here’s how I look at it…

If you let it ruin your day because someone didn’t snap you or text you back right away or maybe they waved at you differently or seemed distracted talking to you, you gotta check yourself. I’ll be the first to tell you that I struggle with this and have gotten so upset if I did not get the response I expected from someone I was close to…or thought I was close to. But is it really such a big deal or was I holding people to unrealistic standards or expecting them to make me feel good about myself when that’s not anyone’s job to do that? Or maybe I misunderstood and we just weren’t as close as I thought we were? Whatever the reason I have to be careful not to allow it to influence me so much that it completely changes my mood and tempts me to do or say stuff I’ll regret.

I have put myself through this more times than I should have. I have allowed things like getting no text back or someone ditching plans completely ruin my mood for the day. And I’m not excusing that it’s okay for you to let people consistently be rude, lie or ignore you, but I realized that I’m not going to let rejection paralyze me anymore. I’ve felt so upset or angry over what someone said or didn’t say to me to the point of it having a negative effect on my schoolwork, sports and other relationships. It’s a slippery slope that many people fall into without realizing it. Once you let the hurt someone causes to overwhelm you, it will affect other things that will keep affecting other things and so on. It’s easy to blame the actual situations for making you feel so bad but really, it comes down to this: why do you give so much power over your happiness to another person?

So I am here to offer some help, but I can’t say I have mastered this myself. I’m still trying not to overthink everything and put unrealistic expectations on situations or myself but I have done a few things that help….

1. Take a break.  Give yourself some space. Put your phone down for a few days (like seriously put it down, don’t pick it up. When I have done this in the past sometimes I have given to my mom and she doesn’t give it to me until the day we agreed on lol!). If you don’t get rid of your phone totally, at least take a break from SnapChat or Twitter or whatever triggers you when you see something that puts you in your bag or makes you want to punch a wall.

Will it feel so weird? Yes.

Will it be so hard? Heck ya, but I can promise you after a few days it’s so refreshing and you realize that you feel a lot more peaceful not relying on Snaps and seeing who liked your tweets to feel good about yourself.

2. Get to know and enjoy being by yourself. I know this may sound weird, but do things alone that you never have time to do. Usually when you do things by yourself, there’s not the usual noise that distracts you from processing your thoughts. I like to paint. You can just splatter all your emotions on a canvas, even though it might not turn out how you want it, it’s unique and beautiful, which is a reminder of who God created us to be. Or take a bath. There is nothing taking a bubble bath can’t solve! Play music. Write in a journal. Go for a run. Start a blog…haha.

3. Talk to someone you trust who is older and wiser. We tend to forget our parents usually have been through a lot of what we are going through. Tell your mom or dad what you are struggling with and be open to their advice on how to get over it. They will want to help and be there for you. Chances are they have already noticed by your behavior if you have allowed someone else to control your happiness so it won’t come as a surprise to them!

4. You need to know your weaknesses and what triggers you to get so upset. If you feel misunderstood, write it down. If someone hurt you, write it down. If you feel ditched, write it down. If you feel like you always give and the other person just takes, write it down. I’ve written down the specific things that hurt me, cried a little or a lot (which actually feels good when you are done) and prayed about it. Then I crumple up the paper and throw it away. Most people don’t realize but doing a physical act like that is actually very powerful and can lift a lot of weight off of you.

5. If you feel like someone is controlling your emotions even if they don’t realize it, tell that person how you feel about him or her. Be honest. Sometimes hiding the way you feel makes the feelings stronger instead of just dealing with them. I have started to try to be more vulnerable and instead of saying “nothing is wrong” or ignoring something that bothers me, I try to communicate with the other person. You can’t force them to communicate back but at least you know you tried so you can move on. And if someone truly wants you as a friend or wants to be with you in a relationship, they will want you to grow and not want to play games with your emotions. Maybe you’ve just come across as clingy or needy to someone and once you realize that you can fix it in the future by communicating honestly.

6. This one is tough. It’s important to realize that if the relationship isn’t helping you grow or it’s very one-sided, you may have to adjust your boundaries. It is just like weeds in a garden, you wouldn’t just let the weeds continue to grow and grow until they take over your whole garden and eventually ruin the pretty flowers. No, you would weed your garden in order to let the seeds grow into the beautiful flowers they were planted to be. The same goes with relationships. Sometimes we have to remove people for a season so we or they can grow. Maybe it’s temporary and sometimes it’s permanent. It depends on how much you or they are willing to grow, change and work towards making things better. If you have an unhealthy relationship with someone that overwhelms your thought life, it can carry over into everything else in your life. Just as I mentioned in the beginning, when I relied on other people to make me happy all the time my self-esteem, schoolwork and even how I played field hockey suffered A LOT because I was so distracted with how bad I was feeling and I just didn’t know how to make it stop. Nobody can make you happy 24/7 so then you blame them because they can’t meet your expectations. I hate that I have done that and I pray I never do it again.

You can’t completely stop caring about how other people treat you, that’s not what I am saying. It’s totally okay to feel angry and hurt and also happy and content with people in your life because that’s reality. What I am saying is to check all of your relationships and  if you notice any type of pattern with that person having a big impact on your overall day-to-day feelings (good or bad) then maybe it’s time to take a step back. If we do this we can deal with arguments, break ups and rejections in a reasonable way without causing more damage or saying and doing things we regret. And hey, we can do this together because I am really still learning this myself!

That’s all I got. Love y’all! xoxo

 

how to win her heart

Girls really aren’t as mysterious as you guys make us out to be. My friends and I wonder why it seems like it’s like pulling teeth sometimes to get guys to understand what we really want. I know most girls drop a lot of hints to guys when they like them. Guys, no offense, but I know you are kind of oblivious sometimes so I’m going to try to help you. 🙂

So this blog post goes out to all you guys crushing on on a girl and you aren’t really sure what to do about it. It’s also going out to the guys who think a girl’s heart is a toy to be played with for your own selfish enjoyment. Maybe if you see a different perspective, you will change the way you treat us. I’m no relationship expert, these are just my own personal thoughts so it isn’t a foolproof plan for every girl (and might I add some girls just do not want a serious relationship no matter how amazing you are, so be patient) but when you’re trying to win over a girl’s heart here’s a few things you boys should know…

1.
Let her know how you feel about her. Don’t make her guess which leads to overthinking. And yes, then we kinda freak out when that happens. Girls can’t read minds and sometimes boys give mixed signals without even realizing they are doing it (yeah yeah I know girls do this, too, and we are working on it). We are still young and trying to have relationships along with everything else we are doing can be tricky. Be honest. Let her know if you like her and what you are looking for, such as a friendship that could grow into a relationship or if you would like to take her out on a date, etc. Don’t be afraid to take things slow.
2.

If you tell her something, your actions better back it up, boo. If you tell her you like her and want to spend more time to get to know her, please DO IT. Girls hate it when guys are good talkers over the phone, but as soon as you hang out in person they act like you have cooties. Not cool. Guys, if you feel a little awkward just relax and be yourself.

Also make sure you aren’t treating her like an option. We really don’t want to feel like we have to compete with other girls for your attention if you say you are interested in us. Girls are smart and we know what’s really up. We can usually tell when guys are lying. So if you say you want to be friends, be our friend, if you say you want to see other people, then just let us know and if you would like to consider dating just us exclusively, tell us that, too. That way nobody is wasting anybody else’s time or having hurt feelings trying to figure out where they stand. Let your actions back up your words.

3.
Treat her like she is a priority. No girl wants to constantly take a backseat to your boys and everything else you have going on. Yes we totally get you need bro time but constantly ignoring us or backing out of plans with us to hang “FTB” gets annoying and it hurts if it continues happening on a regular basis. If a girl snaps or texts you, try to respond in a decent amount of time, don’t just ignore her. We literally will sit there wondering what we did wrong when it’s probably nothing.
Do not lie to her so you don’t hurt her feelings or make her mad. And don’t be one of those people who text her back whenever you feel like it and if she doesn’t like it, that’s her problem. If you’re busy and can’t text back just tell her, she will probably  understand and appreciate that much more than if you just don’t answer her or leave her Snap on read. And if you don’t want to have a relationship with her tell her that, too so she doesn’t feel stupid. Talk about it and don’t just ignore her. Just like I said above, communication is so important.
4.
If you really like this girl, take the time to get to know everything about her. This includes her family, her favorite things, everything. Girls don’t want a guy that constantly talks about himself, but we also don’t want someone who is closed off. While you get to know her, let her get to know you, too. What’s your favorite ice cream or what movie makes you laugh uncontrollably or what is that one home-cooked meal that you love or stories from your childhood. Ask her lots of questions and then listen! Eventually get to the point where you ask her the hard questions and have the conversations that will help you grow together. But don’t ever use information against her, that’s a BIG no. If she tells you things in confidence thinking you won’t share them no matter how things end up between you, don’t use them against her in the future. Be a guy she can trust.
5.
Whether friends or more with a girl, please don’t take her for granted. And say you do end up dating, even when you do, treat her like you don’t have her. Surprise her. Make her laugh. Pray for her on her good and her bad days. Text her something sweet just because. No girl cares if you have been best friends or dating for six days or six years, you should make an effort to have fun with her. Now there’s still going to be arguments and misunderstandings and there are gonna be times you don’t even wanna look at each other, but don’t walk away and give up on her. If you truly want her in your life, you won’t give up when it’s hard or uncomfortable.
6.

Don’t be blind to an amazing girl and realize it too late. Some guys don’t understand that the girl who would love them and put up with all their craziness is right in front of them. Don’t play games with her because if you don’t go for it, eventually someone else will. It’s sad when you realize what you could have had together but then it’s too late.

Don’t be that guy.

If you get to know her, you like her and she is down for you 110%, don’t screw her over thinking you can do better. That’s dumb. At our age, loyal guys and girls are hard to find so when you connect with someone and you are working on a relationship, don’t walk away over something petty or selfish. Talk out the misunderstandings and be honest about how you are feeling.

7.
Hang out with her and talk to her any chance you get. Girls love when you have even just an hour on a busy day to have something to eat, grab a quick nap or even just drive around listening to music. It shows us that no matter how busy you are, you still want to see us. And we get there are days when you just don’t have time or our schedules don’t match up, but stopping by or calling to say hi or watching us at a game shows us we are a priority. For me personally in past relationships, including friendships, I looooove spending time with the people I’m close to. Now I’m not clingy and don’t expect to be with them 24/7, but I find it very sweet when I know someone’s schedule and know how busy they are, yet they still fit in some time to spend with me.
8.
Don’t use girls for sexual things. I REPEAT DON’T USE HER. This is the worst thing you can do to a girl’s self esteem. Please I’m actually begging you to understand how awful it feels to know that a guy is just interested in you for your body and drops you as soon as he realizes that’s not an option you are offering. I think in past blogs I’ve hit on this topic and I’ve shared how degrading and hurtful it is when you think a guy actually likes you as a person only to find out he’s only interested in one thing. Please guys, if you hear anything, know that being treated like that hurts a lot. Even if your relationship moves past friendship, don’t pressure a girl into something she doesn’t want to do. Respect her. Automatically expecting her to do sexual things is not cool and shouldn’t be a thing ever.
9.
If you do date and things eventually get serious, love her unconditionally and pray for her even if she’s being a little brat. I’m 99.999% sure she isn’t trying to be rude to you or make you feel bad, she just is most likely insecure and is feeling uncomfortable so she gets angry with you. When she apologizes accept it and don’t keep bringing it up. You aren’t perfect and neither is she so don’t keep score of everything and try to “get even” with her when she messes up.
10.

Don’t act like an “f boy”. You may get temporary attention from girls being like that but in the long run all you do is cause a lot of hurt so just stop doing that. Don’t ignore a girl all day and then snap her something sexual at 11pm. I promise you she will feel disrespected and not very valued as much as you think it may come off as a compliment. For me personally, if you wouldn’t say something in front of your mom, then please don’t be saying it to me. Sure, I like to get complimented on being pretty, smart, cute and a kind person. But to be honest, that’s not really the kind of “compliments” girls usually receive nowadays. Listen, just respect her and let her know you like a lot of other things about her like her smile, her personality and the things that make her special.

I know a lot of this stuff applies to guys AND girls, but I wanted to share my thoughts on the subject for any of you guys who may be wondering why girls act the way we do sometimes. And I’m not speaking on behalf of every girl, but I do hope I cleared up a few things about what we typically like and don’t like from the guys in our lives.

Peace out friends and boys, I can’t wait to hear all the stories of how you had the courage to try a few of these things with your crush this week! 😉

girl power

Hey guys! It’s been awhile because life has been super busy in the best way possible. This past summer was one I will remember for the rest of my life. I had the opportunity to go to Saint Lucia as mentioned in earlier blogs and OH MY !!!! It is so beautiful and none of my pictures even do it justice! The people there are amazing and so open to the love of the Lord. It was totally incredible and life-changing.

Okay so let’s get to the point of this post that has been something I’ve wanted to write about for awhile. Recently, I heard a story that literally made me stop in my tracks and say out loud, “Why is this okay?”

We girls have got to stop attacking one another.

This situation was a girl had been dating a guy who cheated on her with another girl (quick rabbit trail, don’t be in relationships just because you don’t want to be alone).  Now instead of breaking up with this guy who she knew cheated, and honestly I don’t know the whole circumstance so I am not judging whatsoever, she accused the other girl of lying and then actually started rumors about the girl! Should she have cheated with another girl’s boyfriend? Of course not. But what did the boyfriend get out of this? Rumors spread about him? No. His girlfriend breaking up with him. No.

The saddest part about this whole situation is this is not the first time I have heard of similar situations.  I get that every case is different, but tearing down another girl to make yourself feel better NEEDS TO STOP. I’m sure you will all agree that we are under a lot of pressure but girls, we need to understand, we are all in this together and none of us are perfect.

The last time I checked, God made us ALL in his image. I understand mistakes are made, friendships fade and hearts are broken, but playing dirty and attacking someone else’s self-confidence out of jealousy and insecurity is something that has been going on for way too long and needs to stop.

We girls have to stop feeding the double standard (and guys if you are reading this, you do, too!)

Now another thing that really grinds my gear is double standards. You know what I’m talking about.  It’s like the guy who hooks up with a bunch of girls is “the GOAT”, but a girl who does one thing, one time with one guy is called a slut and will forever be defined by that label no matter how much she changes.

Yep makes perfect sense, right?

NO IT DOESN’T.

The sad part of all this is that you would assume just the guys feed this double standard, when actually girls love to gossip about other girls this way, maybe even more than the guys talk about it. I totally get that sexual impurity is bad and we have got to have a higher standard for ourselves, but to not put equal blame on both genders NEEDS TO END. Shame is an ugly thing to carry and sadly too many girls are stuck in it feeling worthless when they should feel valued and forgiven for their mistakes. We don’t need to agree with those mistakes but we need to be encouragement for one another, don’t you think?

If you cannot relate to the last example, consider this. I know of a situation where a guy cheated in the relationship and he blamed his girlfriend because she didn’t “put out” enough, but then as soon as the girl cheated the guy broke it off and said he has no tolerance for cheating. And people seemed to be okay with this logic!

I wish I made this story up, but I really didn’t.

Now I get that the entire relationship was not healthy for that stuff to be happening, but do you see the obvious double standard? I hear some crazy one-sided stories involving  what’s expected of the girl vs. the guy in relationships and I hope every girl knows she deserves better than a guy who cheats (and vice versa). No excuses.

These types of things happen in today’s society, and not just once or twice, but it happens a lot. It makes my heart sad and I pray one day we all become more aware of how we treat others and really put ourselves in their shoes. In the meantime, I challenge you not to judge before you get a chance to get to know a person. How about if we stop labeling people, too? That’s just not our place to do that. We have no idea what other’s people’s motives are. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes will change your perspective and hopefully makes you do complete 360 on the way you see things if you have been believing that girls tearing down other girls and double standards are okay.

That’s all I got today, guys. Thanks for reading! xoxo

Girl Drama

Girls can be brutal to one another.

We like to hide behind fake smiles. But we all have done it. It’s easy to scroll through Insta and pass judgement on what someone is wearing, what they are doing or who someone is with (or not with anymore). Maybe because it makes us feel a little better about ourselves or maybe we don’t realize we even do it. Or maybe we have our own agenda like trying to make sure that cute guy we like understands what a horrible person THAT girl is.

Why does it seem like we don’t have any courage? Guys and girls should stop being afraid of confrontation. Phasing people out of your life with no explanation or back-stabbing and manipulating them is ten times worse than brutal honesty. I hate not knowing what I did to just make someone not care anymore. When we try not to hurt someone by lying and they find out, we do way more damage then just explaining the problem. How many great friendships or boy/girlfriends have we lost and we aren’t even really sure what happened?

I’ve had relationships ruined with people I do know because (mostly) girls who don’t know anything about me trash talked about me…people who “pick a side” and make up their minds about my motives based on their own assumptions. If you ever wonder why I’ve said and done things that hurt myself or others, then ask ME please. Don’t assume and turn people I care about against me, especially if you don’t even know anything about me. Or better yet, try to understand or get to know me instead of judging. I’ll try to do the same to you. We really need to be supportive instead of acting like everything we do is a competition. We also need to be honest and not twist things around to make the story a little more dramatic. And let’s stop the name calling and slut shaming.

It is also very sad to think of all the friendships lost because of a boy who couldn’t have friends that were girls if he was dating someone. And girls who got jealous and over protective so they attack any girl that even looks at their boyfriend. Some girls make everything a competition and it shouldn’t be like that. We should be working together, not tearing each other apart.

It’s much easier said then done, but what if for one day we decide we aren’t going to say anything judgmental about anyone? What if when we see THAT person pop up on our phone screen that we don’t let ourselves give in to a rude comment? What if we take time to reach out to the people God put in our lives just to let them know we care? What would our mindset be if we just encourage others instead of focusing on our hurts and feeling like a victim all the time? Because we are NOT victims. God will use every horrible thing that’s happened to us and what we have done and make something good come from it. If we really believe that we would live our lives so different and be a lot more forgiving.

So I encourage you to text that girl you have not seen in months or apologize to that friend who you may have hurt with mean words out of frustration. Let’s not judge girls for the things we heard about them and instead get to know them first. I’m telling myself all this stuff too because sometimes my own insecurity has me comparing myself to other girls. And always remember who has your back at the end of the day because I want my friends to know that I won’t let any competition over a guy’s attention or misunderstanding come between us.  Nobody is perfect so let’s try not to expect more from other people than we expect from ourselves and we should try to put ourselves in other people’s shoes. If you don’t feel accepted and valuable by the people you are hanging out with, then you are friends with the wrong people!

Cocky or Confident?

It’s been a little while since my last post. I have a bunch of ideas in my head but then when I try to write I feel like I keep saying the same things! I don’t always want to talk about negative experiences and having to grow from them becasue my life consists of so much more than that, but I do want to talk about the struggles I’ve experienced growing up trying to figure out what the difference is between being confident and cocky. I’m not sure I have figured that out yet but I think I have learned a few things that I want to share.

Although these both are internal feelings that we all experience I noticed that you can usually tell the difference by the way you treat other people. Being cocky isn’t just what we see the “mean girls” do in the Disney channel movies. Cockiness is putting yourself before everyone else and thinking you are better. It can come off as being rude, judgemental, obnoxious “show offs” and blowing people off. I have done all those things but didn’t think I was being cocky until I was on the other side being around someone else acting like that and it made me feel pretty worthless. It’s pretty horrible when you try to talk to someone whose responses just make you feel like you have been dismissed and you mean nothing to them.

But having confidence is being so secure in who you are that it makes you want to help others feel good about themselves too. When you are confident it doesn’t matter who is watching or expecting you to behave a certain way, you do the RIGHT thing and you value others. I also think that confident people realize they aren’t perfect and admit their mistakes, but cocky people act as if they are perfect and think that admitting they did something wrong makes them weak.

There was a time when I first became Miss Hummelstown that I legitimately was afraid to tell people because I didn’t want to sound cocky. I was paranoid everytime my mom took a picture because even though I knew that reason I wanted to be Miss Hummelstown didn’t have to do with wearing a crown I felt so judged! How terrible is that?? I know that sometimes in the past I had misjudged people for being confident and I was afraid people would do the same thing to me. Until I got comfortable in that position and confident knowing I was where God wanted me to be. I definitely didn’t feel like I was better than anyone else and I can honestly say the best part about doing it was seeing the smiles on little kids faces when I would color with them at the Christmas event or pass out Easter eggs (okay okay and riding in the mayor’s convertible was also one of my favorites…but I don’t think that makes me cocky, right?).

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that being confident is so much better on both sides than being cocky. And listen it’s okay to let people see the great things happening in your life! We should all be happy for one another instead of making it a competition or judging. Sometimes we just have to check ourselves. If you hurt someone’s feelings trying to come off as being better/prettier/smarter/more important than them or dismissing them, try to make it right. Think about how you want others to treat you and then try to do that yourself. I have literally stopped myself mid text message or conversation and thought, wow, I’m coming across like a jerk right now so I need to back off. That can be hard when we are feeling defensive or attacked but that’s where we have to have confidence and be comfortable with who we are and understand we don’t have to prove anything. Sometimes the best answer is not to tell everyone how right and awesome you are, but to tell someone else how valuable they are. It’s a learning process like everything else I have blogged about. Practice makes perfect, right?

Regrets

regrets…

Lots and lots of them.

In past blogs I’ve mentioned that my whole life I have struggled with letting go of the past and recently I’m feeling wrecked over decisions I really regret making. It’s been hard to move past them. I have good days and then I have days I just feel broken and I can’t snap out of it.

Just being honest.

Yes, I understand we are only human and we all make mistakes. Yes, I understand things happen to us and we cause things to happen we didn’t mean to, but there are times when thinking of the past leaves me with nothing but emptiness in my heart.

So I’m struggling right now but I do have hope. I’m realizing that time doesn’t heal our hearts. God heals our hearts.

This is a tough topic to talk about when I’m personally struggling with it, but I know I’m not the only one who does so I thought it may help to tell you some of the things I have been doing to help myself get over constantly thinking about the things I did wrong and the consequences from those choices.

First you have to tell someone what you did and that you are struggling, whether it’s your mom, best friend, sister, a youth pastor, counselor or another trustworthy person in your life. And please make sure you tell someone if you are so overwhelmed with pain that you want to hurt yourself. We need other people in our lives to encourage us, hold us accountable and see things from a different perspective. Yes, that’s scary and being vulnerable. Trust me, it’s worth the weight that comes off of you when you tell someone you trust.

Next I think is helpful is to journal and write down everything you’re feeling… EVERYTHING whether it’s bad or good write it all down. Then give yourself 15-30 minutes to think about this choice you made, how you were feeling when you made it, were the consequences worth it, let yourself cry, pray and then that’s it, stand your ground that you know the situation can’t be changed no matter how much you think about it cause it’s in the past. I’ve made the mistake at times of tweeting stuff that I thought would make me feel better but it really didn’t and I just felt worse. It’s much better to journal just for you to see because nobody who just casually follows your Twitter will ever totally understand what you are going through.

Finally if this decision or regret caused hurt to others, you need to say sorry (preferably in person) even if they don’t except it, you at least owe them that. Make the decision to try to fix things if you can and if not, learn from it and don’t repeat it. I know I’ve hurt my family in the past but thank God we are moving on and I’m regaining their trust again. I’m sad to say I’ve done some pretty stupid things and have hurt some wonderful people in my life. The worst part is because it took me awhile to realize this, I’ve lost a couple really special ones. Those are the consequences I’m trying to live with and what motivates me from never taking anyone or anything for granted.

Although I have tried everything in the book to go back and time travel, I can’t. I don’t want this to be a heavy post but if there’s one thing I understand now is that God gives us opportunities and people in our lives and when we don’t treat them the way they deserve to be treated we can lose them. No stupid temporary lifestyle or convenience is worth that.

As much as it hurts me to deal with regrets, those decisions have brought me to where I am today so I can only do the best I know how to do going forward. I’ve chosen to try to learn from the past and think less about the regrets by controlling where I let my mind go. The worst thing you can do is allow yourself to be sad and lonely over the past which then makes you more likely to make more bad decisions. That’s just a bad cycle that will go on and on if you don’t realize it. That’s why I do better writing stuff down because I’m less likely to do it again when I see maybe WHY I did what I did.

Just remember that everyday we get a fresh brand new start to make better choices, learn from the past and live the lives we want to live. I’m reminding myself of that all day, every day!