people pleaser

Did you see her Snap story?

Did you hear who she was hanging out with Saturday?

Did you see what she was wearing?

 

Since being in high school I was always so worried what other people said about me. I feared being judged and excluded over what I would do and post or who I was friends with, so on and so on. It wasn’t until earlier this year that I really grasped the concept of doing things for myself and not caring what others said. I’m not talking about being rude or gross and saying “Too bad, that’s just me.” I’m saying that I tried to stop following the crowd when it was headed in the wrong direction and I stopped pretending to care about stuff that really wasn’t that important.

Being a “people pleaser” is a huge issue and teens don’t just struggle with this…even adults do. It’s a want and need to please others, feel accepted and go to huge lengths just to be liked by others. It usually means giving up our own identity in favor of what is popular or expected and that’s not usually a good thing as a teenager. Let’s just say a lot of what is considered acceptable by kids my age isn’t usually good for us.

Recently I have started to do things just for myself without needing the approval of anyone else, including this blog! In recent months instead of being so attached to my phone and watching what everyone else was doing, I’ve started journaling, painting, taking photos and singing just for my own self enjoyment. I stopped apologizing constantly for normal stuff like sharing my opinion and I’ve tried really hard not to let people get to me when they think it’s funny to embarrass me or someone else I know and love because we aren’t doing what everyone else is doing.

I’ve even changed up my style. I find myself shopping saying to myself, “Is this what the rest of the world expects me to wear, or do I actually like this?” because that was one of the things I struggled with even at a younger age. I always wanted to look like everyone else and be complimented except the problem was shopping for clothes at all the “cool” places was conflicting with what my mama thought was appropriate for me to wear! So let’s just say it was a constant battle of “you are not walking out of the house in that!!”

Now I understand more of why she told me that and I have embraced my own style which is a little more….ummmm…..”conservative” than in the past. I still get to wear what I like and those fights don’t happen anymore. It’s actually funny because I noticed that I get more compliments now on more appropriate clothing choices than I did when I was wearing stuff that caused big fights with my parents. Who knew?

Another major thing I have recently realized is that I used to post VSCO and Instagram pictures, tweets, Snapchat stories, and Facebook statuses just for likes or favorites; I wasn’t posting them for my own enjoyment. I would spend so much time making sure I was happy with how I looked and I would agonize after posting a photo that no matter what I never looked good or I sounded stupid. Black and white got a little gray sometimes and I know there were things I should not have posted. Now when I share anything, it’s pictures/updates of things I enjoy doing, happy memories or with people I enjoy being with. I’m NOT perfect with every post….I still have weak moments and wonder later if I should have done it but aren’t we all a work in progress? I do try to post things that make me happy and I also don’t spend hours anymore obsessing over who likes it or didn’t. If people don’t like what I post they can scroll past it or unfollow me!

And listen, we all have found ourselves either judging others or being judged and realizing that has really helped me to watch myself better. We can’t possibly know what motivates someone when they are friends or not friends with someone, they post a certain photo or tweet something, or break up with a boy or girlfriend, etc. without really knowing the person and situation. We are all still learning so I have made an effort to be more encouraging instead of judgemental.

To be honest, it has been hard for me to stop being a people pleaser but now I have made an effort to be more aware when I start to fall back into that mindset (and it helps to have family/friends hold you accountable). I pray about it, too and that really helps. Personally I want to be free to live life the way I want to in a respectful way that helps other people feel better instead of worse about themselves. It can be lonely at times not “fitting in” by doing things it seems like everyone else is doing but in the long run it’s worth it. Life is hard. It hurts sometimes and we really do need each other to be more encouraging.

I am far from perfect but I’m learning that life has a lot more to offer than shallow conversations and being petty. You should never have to pretend to be someone you aren’t or beg another person for attention…you are way too valuable for that. I am trying to practice being more genuine and vulnerable and in this process I’m learning who my real friends are, too. No more wasting time with people who don’t really want me in their lives for the right reasons.

So I encourage you to put down your cell phone, live in the moment and go have fun with friends being real and doing what you know is right for you to do. I heard a really cool quote one time that went something like this:

Are you truly happy or do you just want people to think you’re happy?

That really hit me hard because let’s face it, why are we doing some of the things we do especially if we know they aren’t good for us? Let’s stop putting on a show just so other people accept us. It’s crazy to think that just a few small choices we make in life could completely change everything and we will be happier and not so stressed out.

That B Word…

Okay we all knew this blog post was coming soon, so I might as well get it out now… I am a teenage girl so my and my friends’ lives have always seemed to revolve around boys. Although I have grown up in an all girl family, I still found myself almost constantly around the male species. My mom tells me I was one of only two girls many times in the church nursery and at my preschool. The boys in elementary school were always less drama than the girls so I preferred to hang out with them.

As I grew up, I watched my mom and dad’s relationship very closely; my dad was my hero when it came to men. I looked up to him for everything, and at some points I would wish I was a boy, just so I could grow up to be him. The reason I am telling you this is because my dad did everything right…he threw the baseball with me, he took me fishing, he prayed for me, he cuddled with me when I was having a bad day and he respected me when I needed space, yet as I grew into my teen years, I found myself still craving that male attention. I think most girls can relate to this.

At times I look back and wonder where things went wrong…was it the time I told my first crush I liked him? Or was it the time that “player” of a boy texted me and said I was “hot”? Was it the time I had my first kiss? The time I drank and let my guard down…again I’m being real here. I’m not proud of some of the choices I made but I sure did learn from them. These are all questions that haunt me of why I made guys paying attention to me such a big deal. Why did it take me so long to realize when enough was enough?

What hurts me the most is the fact after all these idiotic choices I made, my dad thought it was his fault that I was trying so hard to get this type of attention. He wondered what he did wrong to make me crave it. But he didn’t do anything wrong…it was me and what I thought I was expected to do. Although I made those choices and I take full responsibility, today’s society has taken the word “morals” and has done a complete 360. I allowed negative influences and unhealthy stuff that seemed “normal” to dictate some of my choices. If you are on the internet you can agree with me that females are being viewed constantly for sexual enjoyment and many seem to actually enjoy doing it. Sadly, in today’s society being told “your a** is fat” is considered more of a compliment than “you look pretty today.” It’s totally normal for girls to be expected to dress and behave inappropriately to be accepted. Even by other girls!

I have this one friend who is the most gorgeous person I have ever met in my life, she is outgoing, she is crazy smart, she can sing, dance, her artwork is phenomenal and she is the total package. The only thing is she has been very picky with who she gives her time to and recently she has enlightened me on the fact she gets very lonely and that no one is interested. Now this is coming from a beautiful girl inside and out who gets attention, just not the kind she thinks she needs to be getting.

What? She’s amazing in every way possible but she’s not getting told her bootie looks good in her snap story so she thinks no guy is interested in her? And why aren’t they?

How sad is it that boys thinking you are sexy is so highly desired in today’s society that we forget all the valuable things we have to offer. Today’s norm has taught us girls that male attention along with being talked and thought about sexually is the ultimate goal. We will have power if guys find us attractive.

How messed up is this?

This is something I wish I knew about sooner and wish I had understood the trap I was falling for. I realized that however I put myself out there to the world is what I will attract. I have absolutely no desire for shallow relationships with anyone based on appearances.  And I admit I still slip up every once in awhile being overly concerned about how I look, but now that I have became aware of this behavior, it gets a bit easier to fix each time.

I have lived so much of my life trying to make sure I looked good for guys to notice me or to make my boyfriend feel proud to be with me (even though my last one was a good guy who never expected that…I just assumed he did) but one day awhile back I decided to really focus on myself and what I wanted and what made ME happy.

And I am not being over dramatic when I say this…but it has literally changed my life. I now have girls’ night outs with no guys and have the time of my life and I used to not be able to do that. I can put my phone down and live in the moment. I don’t have to try to look perfect for every picture I’m in. I’m enjoying this freedom and not trying to impress anyone. I’m not going to be giving my heart away based just on comments about what I look like…I want someone interested in the real me.  I’m in no hurry to date because the bar has been set high and there’s no need to rush anything.

So I guess the reason I am writing this right now is for girls to know that you need to start loving yourself and you never have to act or dress a certain way to get attention from guys. And just know there are respectful guys out there! If he’s a good guy, sure you want him to think you are beautiful, but more importantly he will take the time to get to know your heart. And just know that you are not alone in this struggle of wanting that kind of attention, but you deserve better than just being told you’re hot.